Monthly Archives: April 2012

Droopy McCool found dead, overdose likely

MOS EISLEY – Droopy McCool, chidnkalu horn player for the Max Rebo band, was found dead in his hotel room. He was 137 years old. An autopsy is scheduled, but authorities said all signs point to an overdose. McCool battled a

Droopy McCool found dead, overdose likely

MOS EISLEY – Droopy McCool, chidnkalu horn player for the Max Rebo band, was found dead in his hotel room. He was 137 years old. An autopsy is scheduled, but authorities said all signs point to an overdose. McCool battled a

Mouse droids plague Death Star

DEATH STAR – After 25 years of delivery and maintenance service, MSE-6 “mouse” droid populations are soaring on the Death Star. Mouse droids, previously known for their boxy shell and noisy skittering, are quickly gaining a reputation for clogging hallways and droid

Mouse droids plague Death Star

DEATH STAR – After 25 years of delivery and maintenance service, MSE-6 “mouse” droid populations are soaring on the Death Star. Mouse droids, previously known for their boxy shell and noisy skittering, are quickly gaining a reputation for clogging hallways and droid

Blackouts paralyze Tatooine

TATOOINE – Damaged cables and high power demands are causing rolling blackouts across Tatooine this week. With power usage at an all-time high, the Tosche power station is unable to keep up with the demands. Making matters worse, several underground power

Blackouts paralyze Tatooine

TATOOINE – Damaged cables and high power demands are causing rolling blackouts across Tatooine this week. With power usage at an all-time high, the Tosche power station is unable to keep up with the demands. Making matters worse, several underground power

Wookie wins 34th straight dejarik tourney

GHHHK – Dejarik, the holographic game played on a checkerboard with small, realistic creatures as pieces, has been dominated solely by Wookies for the 34th year in a row. This year’s winner, Lumpawaroo, of Kashyyyk, said he plans to spend his winnings

Wookie wins 34th straight dejarik tourney

GHHHK – Dejarik, the holographic game played on a checkerboard with small, realistic creatures as pieces, has been dominated solely by Wookies for the 34th year in a row. This year’s winner, Lumpawaroo, of Kashyyyk, said he plans to spend his winnings

Columbia Sportswear introduces Tauntaun fleece

HOTH – Outdoor enthusiasts –- like those that frequent extreme hiking and skiing climates like those on planet Hoth – can now withstand the cold for up to four extra hours, thanks to the new Columbia brand Tauntaun Fleece Jacket.

Columbia Sportswear introduces Tauntaun fleece

HOTH – Outdoor enthusiasts –- like those that frequent extreme hiking and skiing climates like those on planet Hoth – can now withstand the cold for up to four extra hours, thanks to the new Columbia brand Tauntaun Fleece Jacket.

Jawa sandcrawler fails new emission standards

TATTOINE – The pint-sized droid-selling inhabitants of Tattoine might have more problems on their hands than just sand in their gears. Last Wednesday, new emission standards went into effect across Tattoine, and Jawas are already worried about their ability to keep a

Jawa sandcrawler fails new emission standards

TATTOINE – The pint-sized droid-selling inhabitants of Tattoine might have more problems on their hands than just sand in their gears. Last Wednesday, new emission standards went into effect across Tattoine, and Jawas are already worried about their ability to keep a

Trade Federation demands droid refund

NABOO – The Trade Federation, whose failed invasion of Naboo has angered some Galactic politicians, is demanding a refund for 525,000 battle droids. Baktoid Combat Automata, who manufactures the droids, insists the robot warriors weren’t defective. “Yes, they can be taken

Trade Federation demands droid refund

NABOO – The Trade Federation, whose failed invasion of Naboo has angered some Galactic politicians, is demanding a refund for 525,000 battle droids. Baktoid Combat Automata, who manufactures the droids, insists the robot warriors weren’t defective. “Yes, they can be taken

Death Star construction hits budgets woes

SPACE- The Death Star — which is already 25 years and 98.4 billion credits over budget — might have more cutbacks to reach completion. Contractors on the job are considering eliminating a close-fighter defense to save some money. “I mean,

Death Star construction hits budgets woes

SPACE- The Death Star — which is already 25 years and 98.4 billion credits over budget — might have more cutbacks to reach completion. Contractors on the job are considering eliminating a close-fighter defense to save some money. “I mean,

Nerfs added to endangered species list

ALDERAAN – Nerfs, the sometimes moody, antlered herbivores raised for their succulent meat, have seen their numbers dwindle in the past years — enough so that they have been placed on the endangered species list. Herders of the animal said they aren’t

Nerfs added to endangered species list

ALDERAAN – Nerfs, the sometimes moody, antlered herbivores raised for their succulent meat, have seen their numbers dwindle in the past years — enough so that they have been placed on the endangered species list. Herders of the animal said they aren’t

Shampoo sales continue to soar on Kashyyyk

KASHYYYK – Torgo and Torgo, makers of Head and Shoulders and Torso and Arms and Legs report record profits for the third quarter in a row. The shampoo producer attributes their success to a successful ad campaign, a healthy economy, and the fact

Shampoo sales continue to soar on Kashyyyk

KASHYYYK – Torgo and Torgo, makers of Head and Shoulders and Torso and Arms and Legs report record profits for the third quarter in a row. The shampoo producer attributes their success to a successful ad campaign, a healthy economy, and the fact