THE LIST Part 7

Another six months has gone by, so you know what that means.  Going on three years of terrible, horrible, stomach-upsetting puns.  And by that I mean funny. -Andy

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6/8/03
teakiyari (5:39 PM): i'm going to make a movie where people who eat jimmy dean sausage find out its made from James Dean
Andylangager (5:40 PM): call it East of Eatin'
teakiyari (5:40 PM): i was going to call it Soylent Dean

6/10/03
Andylangager [10:28 PM]: you stole my soul
teakiyari [10:28 PM]: i only meant to steal your sole
Andylangager [10:29 PM]: you shoes you lose
teakiyari [10:29 PM]: watch your tongue
Andylangager [10:29 PM]: i'll pump you full of lead
teakiyari [10:30 PM]: you're full of hot air, jordan
Andylangager [10:31 PM]: t'oe
teakiyari [10:31 PM]: you heel
Andylangager [10:32 PM]: i want to go read my favorite comic now. arches and veronica
teakiyari [10:33 PM]: way to get out of this jam

6/12/03
aimee is goofing around, balancing a tennis racquet on the net.
(andy) knock off that racquet

6/16/03

teakiyari [11:49 PM]: I just finished my latest script: it's about critics at an archeology exhibit. I call it "Raters of the Lost Ark"
Andylangager [11:55 PM]: i give that one an f
teakiyari [11:55 PM]: for funny no doubt
teakiyari [12:01 AM]: how about one about Kate Hudson as a magzine reporter who has to write an article about cannibalism: How to Chew a Guy in 10 Days
teakiyari [12:02 AM]: have you listened to that new radiohead album about the fonz? Kid Ayyyyy
teakiyari [12:04 AM]: Or seen the Miyazaki movie about ned flanders:
Princess Mononokallee-dokeallee
Andylangager [12:05 AM]: i'm too busy watching my favorite indian-movie-gossip show, Access Bollywood. Every show is 4 and half hours long.
teakiyari [12:07 AM]: Vishnu were here
teakiyari [12:07 AM]: is my favorite Pink Floyd song
Andylangager [12:10 AM]: their equivalant of tom hanks directed a popular one.. That Thing Hindu
teakiyari [12:10 AM]: you mean otm shank, I liked that one he was in Caste Away
Andylangager [12:11 AM]: and of course, Ghandi With the Wind

6/16/03
(andy) i can't decide between a tattoo of t.A.T.u. or herve villechaize

6/20/03
teakiyari [6:50 PM]: when ever i get mad, i become permanent. I am the Indelable Hulk
Andylangager [6:51 PM]: when he gets drunk, does he say "hulk smash..ed"
teakiyari [6:52 PM]: when he does something stupid, does he say
"hulk not feeling very incredible right now"
teakiyari [7:11 PM]: when i get mad, it is impossible to make a gelatin desert
out of me, i am The In-jello-ble Hulk
Andylangager [7:16 PM]: when you advertise for the hulk online, do you use a bruce banner-ad?
teakiyari [7:17 PM]: no, but to get a nice green skin hue i use a bruce tanner
Andylangager [7:18 PM]: i'm going bannernanas

6/23/03
teakiyari [6:33 PM]: If I were a super hero, i'd have super-intelligence and dress like a roman and call myself "Smarticus"
teakiyari [6:34 PM]: or become half-man half-plant, dress like a roman and call my self Ceaser Salad
Andylangager [6:34 PM]: just don't fight the vomiting gladiator, Ben-Hurl
teakiyari [6:35 PM]: or the transvestie gladiator, Ben Her

Andylangager [10:37 PM]: have you played the card game that caused the beatles to break up? it's called yoko uno

6/27/03
Andylangager [12:09 AM]: have you heard of the new series on showtime called dead like me
teakiyari [12:10 AM]: YES I CANNOT LOOK AT ANYTHING ON IMDB
WITHOUT SEEING 9,000 ADS FOR IT
Andylangager [12:10 AM]: i think you would like it. it has mandy patinkin in it
teakiyari [12:10 AM]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHH
teakiyari [12:10 AM]: HULK SMASH PATANKIN
Andylangager [12:11 AM]: your keyboard must be messed up, when you typed "that sounds awesome" it typed something different. a bunch of As and Rs and Gs and Hs
teakiyari [12:11 AM]: hmm, must be something wrong on your end. Maybe you have an anti-patankin filter
Andylangager [12:12 AM]: that's what i'm patankin
teakiyari [12:12 AM]: I'm gonna punch you right in the patankin
teakiyari [12:13 AM]: You wouldn't like me when I'm Mandy
Andylangager [12:14 AM]: chicago hope you don't get angry
teakiyari [12:15 AM]: My name may not be Inigo Montoya and you may have not killed my father, BUT PREPARE TO DIE
teakiyari [12:23 AM]: i'll get you for this

6/28/03
(andy)
perhaps you'd like you like to purchase my new device for weighing talk show sidekicks during an earthquake. it's called the andy richter scale.

At Des Moines arts festival there are some trees half-wrapped with white paper as a decoration
(andy) they were going to wrap the whole thing but their work was trunk-ated

an artist is working on some new art, various pieces covered in popcorn
(andy) i wonder if that is considered pop-art

6/29/03
teakiyari [2:09 PM]: ever see ozu's Good Morning?
Andylangager [2:09 PM]: no..
teakiyari [2:09 PM]: i'm watching it, it's pretty good. Better than floating weeds anyway, which I guess is more standard ozu fare
Andylangager [2:10 PM]: my favorite japanese band is hall and ozu
teakiyari [2:11 PM]: My favorite Japanese film is Ozu the lonely

teakiyari [6:50 PM]: and happy birthday Gary Busey
teakiyari [6:55 PM]: I heard once that he is involved with some shadowy figures in a variety of fiendish plots. It's all part of a grand conspirbusey

7/1/03
teakiyari [1:46 PM]: why do you hate hobo america
Andylangager [1:46 PM]: i love hobo america
teakiyari [1:47 PM]: that's not what your manifesto "Death to the Box Car Fatcats" says
Andylangager [1:48 PM]: no no no i wrote "frieght trains, frieght planes, and no automobiles"
Andylangager [1:49 PM]: and with the passing of buddy hackett, it is now a Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad World
teakiyari [1:50 PM]: gargh

7/2/03
teakiyari [11:35 PM]: I inventing chocolate that massages you. I am calling it Frubge

7/4/03
(andy)
would you be interested in my new workout method for roman governors?
it's called pontius pilates.

7/6/03
teakiyari [7:45 PM]: would you like some noodles with an Italian director? It's Antonioniaroni
Andylangager [7:46 PM]: i prefer my pasta to have a law degree, Barbara Macaroni
Andylangager [7:47 PM]: besides, I'm full from my Federico Fetaccini
Andylangager [7:48 PM]: i also had some 80s sitcom pasta, Growing Pennes
teakiyari [7:59 PM]: damn you

7/14/03
Andylangager (6:25:23 PM): or how about a catholic sister who tries to round up the reluctant townspeople to fight some bad guys who are coming back into town..it'll be called High Nun
teakiyari (6:25:58 PM): snoop dogg already took that title for his new movie. it's nuns on the run meets how high
teakiyari (6:30:53 PM): i'm writing one about hairless swordsmen who fight to save a town: "Shaven Samurai"

7/18/03
teakiyari (11:56:25 PM): so....seabiscuit?
Andylangager (11:57:27 PM): yep. although i might sue them..i am working on a movie about an ocean bound square salty snack and i was going to call it sea triscuit
teakiyari (11:57:51 PM): i was working about a script about a guy that notices a roll
teakiyari (11:57:58 PM): see biscuit
teakiyari (11:58:02 PM): boo

7/27/03
(If Carmen Cerra had to live in a garbage can)
(john) "that would be a trashedy"

8/2/03
teakiyari [3:16 PM]: i'm writing a script where john denver is visited by an almighty talking fish. it's called "Oh Cod"
teakiyari [3:27 PM]: then in the sequel, denver commands the fish to dig a trench. it's called "Oh Cod, You Shovel"

8/6/03
(andy)
that scene in raiders where the bad guy goes into the tent, removes his jacket and puts it on the evil-looking hanger thing.. know what song they should have played? ..it's getting toht in here.. so take off all your clothes..

(john)
I'm going to make the most painful documentary ever.
It'll feature christopher walken talking about music
trends from the 18th century and minimalist composer
Philip Glass.

It's called "Walken on Baroque and Glass"

teakiyari (10:05:51 PM): i'm also going to make a documentary about Christopher Walken's visit to a custom cobbler: "these boots were made for walken"

8/9/03
teakiyari (5:35:38 PM): i wrote a children's epic about a poor family in the depression trying to grow produce for a ruthless children's singer: The Grapes of Raffi

8/10/03
teakiyari (1:50:50 PM): did you hear about [gregory] hines
Andylangager (1:50:56 PM): yeah
teakiyari (1:51:10 PM): wonder if they will play taps at his funeral
Andylangager (1:51:18 PM): boo
teakiyari (1:51:23 PM): sorry
Andylangager (1:51:26 PM): but funny

8/11/03
Andylangager (11:29:27 PM): time to go work on my screenplay about life for dorothy and toto after they get back to kansas. it's called "just the two of oz"

8/14/03
(talking about how being "warned" on IM hurts you)
andylangager2 (10:55:27 PM): it goes on your permanent record
andylangager2 (10:55:34 PM): you'll probably have trouble finding a job now
teakiyari (10:55:42 PM): that'll be new
andylangager2 (10:56:04 PM): it'll be worse. not only will they not hire you, they deflate your tires
teakiyari (10:56:44 PM): there goes my tires' 99-0 record
teakiyari (10:56:47 PM): they were undeflated

8/15/03
andylangager2 (12:02:37 AM): huh. i rented frida. haven't watched it yet
teakiyari (12:03:03 AM): let me know how it is
andylangager2 (12:03:24 AM): thank goodness it's frida

8/16/03
siskow2 (8:16:13 PM): i think it was just that i didn't have my dsl stuff on my hard drive confusing my system. it always tried to use the dsl even when we got dial up
andylangager2 (8:17:08 PM): ah.
andylangager2 (8:17:21 PM): that's dslazy

8/17/03
teakiyari: did you hear that gregory hines donated his body to science?
they're studying his eyes, apparently he had perfect vision
teakiyari: of course, hines sight is always 20/20
McWudzy: they need to be completely relaxed when they study him, so they
play gregory-an chant in the lab
McWudzy: they also think the design of his feet helped him become such a
good dancer, but they're not sure what features to study.
McWudzy: they're gonna have to do alot of sole searching
teakiyari: the backs of his feet were always in such amazing condition despite the wear and tear he placed on them. I guess they had supernatural heeling powers

8/24/03
siskow2 (7:12:17 PM): i hate whoopi goldberg
andylangager2 (7:12:42 PM): that's nunsense

8/31/03
(andy)
i'm going to open a store where you can play all the video games you want if you donate a box of pasta. i'll call it The Penne Arcade

9/2/03
teakiyari (12:40:11 PM): i'm going to become a female R+B singer who constantly will go out of her way for you. I'll be called Mary O. Blige

teakiyari (11:08:34 PM): i'm making an animated feature about a girl who gets lost in an otherworldly new york restaurant. It's called "Despirito Away"

9/5/03
(john)
you know what a hobo's favorite band is?
Supertramp
or maybe Los Hobos
(andy)
that reminds me of the serial killer who murders people with desks from which sermons or speeches are given. his name is hannibal lecturn.

9/17/03
andylangager2 (8:22:21 PM): have you heard of the act of redrawing voting districts according to the former child stars' homes? it's call jerrymathering

9/22/03
teakiyari (11:34:55 AM): did you hear about the special camera they used to film the hobbits in Lord of The Rings
teakiyari (11:35:14 AM): it had a telefrodo lens
andylangager2 (11:36:13 AM): i'm going to mordor you
teakiyari (11:36:33 AM): i'm just trying to be merry
andylangager2 (11:43:14 AM): have you read the book on Hobbit Scientology? It's by Elrond Hubbard

10/1/03
teakiyari (9:41:21 PM): did you hear about the washed up comedian who had twins?
teakiyari (9:41:25 PM): They were Co Piscopos

10/8/03
(andy thinking to himself)
boy we haven't had a good star wars pun in a while

(aaron)
Do you know who the most annoying singer in Jabba's palace is?
David Lee Hoth

(andy)
like I said. we haven't had a good star wars pun in a while.

10/9/03
teakiyari (10:35:50 AM): revenge of the sith
teakiyari (10:35:53 AM): revenge of the sith
andylangager2 (10:36:00 AM): no
andylangager2 (10:36:28 AM): not official yet. it can still be made crappier
teakiyari (10:38:52 AM): Episode 3: Gilgi 2
andylangager2 (10:40:19 AM): Han Solopez
teakiyari (10:40:49 AM): Episode 3: Seriously, now
andylangager2 (10:41:13 AM): Episode 3: Just Hand Over The Money Already
teakiyari (10:41:33 AM): Episode 3: Like I Have to Try
andylangager2 (10:43:53 AM): Episode 3: You Know How I Made Greedo Shoot First In Episode 4? Well, It's LIke That Except Throughout The Whole Movie
teakiyari (10:45:14 AM): Episode 3: It's Episode One Except Everyone Now Has a Mustache

10/13/03
teakiyari (6:25:15 PM): have you read my latest screenplay? it's about a bunch of crossdressing zombies, I call it "dead over heels"

10/14/03
teakiyari (2:21:04 PM): I'm going to open a auto-shop that specializes in verbal threats to customers. I'm gonna call it "Why I Auto"
andylangager2 (2:21:34 PM): my thoughts exactly
teakiyari (2:22:58 PM): and even though the makers of chocolately drink Yoohoo have split, they are still together on their plans for world domination with a vast number of troops, with their indimidating chant of "Yoo and Hoos Army"
andylangager2 (2:25:00 PM): i've got nothin
teakiyari (2:26:52 PM): Did you ever see that movie where Gene Hackman plays an eavesdropper that unwittingly plays part in an athletic shoe company's takeover of the world? It's called "The Converse-ation"

10/15/03
andylangager2 (10:12:17 PM): shoot a documentary about your refridgerator
andylangager2 (10:12:42 PM): time laps
andylangager2 (10:12:43 PM): e
teakiyari (10:12:47 PM): In Cold Food
andylangager2 (10:12:58 PM): with kiomaquaisti music
teakiyari (10:14:11 PM): um, ACTUALLY, it's PRONOUNCED Koyannisqantsi
andylangager2 (10:14:15 PM): Foods Rush In
teakiyari (10:15:23 PM): Chill Factor
teakiyari (10:15:30 PM): starring Cuba Pudding Jr
andylangager2 (10:16:02 PM): butter off dead.
teakiyari (10:17:37 PM): Mystic Crisper
teakiyari (10:20:41 PM): MaFridge Reloaded
andylangager2 (10:21:10 PM): bridges of maytagison county
andylangager2 (10:21:12 PM): sorry
teakiyari (10:21:42 PM): i would have also accepted Fridges of Madison County
andylangager2 (10:22:10 PM): i salute you

10/16/03
teakiyari (2:47:21 PM): give me money
andylangager2 (2:48:12 PM): didn't you get my check written for five blagillion dollars?
teakiyari (2:48:20 PM): bk took it
andylangager2 (2:48:30 PM): that explains it. i wrote it on a slice of cheddar cheese
teakiyari (2:49:20 PM): good thing you didn't write it on a dryer sheet.
teakiyari (2:49:25 PM): because it could Bounce

10/20/03
(de niro is diagnosed with cancer, but will be ok!)
andylangager2 (9:46:48 PM): travis bickle is sickle
teakiyari (9:47:01 PM): at least it's not a raging boil
andylangager2 (9:48:09 PM): he went to the doctor and said "analyze this"

10/22/03
(andy)
the actor who played Rerun is dead.

his funeral will be thursday at 2pm.

and again on saturday and sunday at 4pm.

11/12/03
andylangager2 (2:15:07 PM): christian slater is not having a true romance
andylangager2 (2:15:26 PM): he got his cube gleamed by his wife
andylangager2 (2:15:32 PM): they put her in kuffs
teakiyari (2:15:48 PM): these jokes are very bad things
andylangager2 (2:17:13 PM): i wonder if he will have a scar(lett)
andylangager2 (2:17:26 PM): that was a stretch
teakiyari (2:17:38 PM): in the name of the rose, what the devil was that
teakiyari (2:18:27 PM): ooh, this makes me all Tucker'd out

11/17/03
teakiyari (11:22:27 AM): i beleive that jesus rode a tiger and wielded a mighty sword. I am a He-Mangelical Christian

teakiyari (2:21:24 PM): they should make snoop dogg the pope and then call it "Catholicizzim"
andylangager2 (2:21:37 PM): boo

11/18/03
andylangager2 (12:25:34 PM): did you see this
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1896
&e=2&u=/nm/20031118/us_nm/iraq_hammer_dc
teakiyari (12:30:20 PM): wow
andylangager2 (12:31:34 PM): someone got fired over that one. next operation mission name: operation fluffy bunny
teakiyari (12:32:29 PM): operation: final solutio....dammmit
andylangager2 (12:32:32 PM): operation ixnay on the azinay
teakiyari (12:32:58 PM): krystalnacht....what? what's the problem?
teakiyari (12:33:10 PM): that's is hans, you're gone
andylangager2 (12:33:37 PM): triumph of the will.. over iraq
teakiyari (12:33:54 PM): we should call it Operation: Everything's Going Great!
teakiyari (12:35:59 PM): i had a dream where I was dresses as abe lincoln and was sitting on the rim of a cannon that was pointed upwards. i think i worked for the circus
teakiyari (12:36:18 PM): kathleen says it means i'm gay, but that's probably only b/c of the lincoln thing
andylangager2 (12:37:15 PM): i think it means you're afraid of success. and cannons.
teakiyari (12:38:05 PM): well its a good thing my cannon business went
under. it was called "You Cannon Do That on Television"
andylangager2 (12:39:18 PM): argh
teakiyari (12:39:48 PM): when i woke up yesterday, the he-man pun was the first thing that popped into my brain
andylangager2 (12:40:50 PM): i love the smell of napun in the morning
andylangager2 (12:40:54 PM): weak

12/22/03
McWudzy: shake it, shake it. Shake it like a polaroid.
McWudzy: shake it, shake it. Shake it like a polaroid.
teakiyari: picture
McWudzy: Picture this... Boris Yeltsin naked.
teakiyari: i work at a place called "Picture This"
McWudzy: Is your mascot a middle finger?
teakiyari: no, it's boris yeltsin naked
McWudzy: Vodka'n I say, he's a looker.

(andy)
when he's sick, does the six million dollar man take anti-bionics?

12/23/03
andylangager2 (3:20:48 PM): is doc sevrenson alive?
teakiyari (3:20:57 PM): isn't he?
teakiyari (3:21:13 PM): when he was fired, did he get sevrenson pay?
andylangager2 (3:22:09 PM): yes, he went on to star in the Sevrenth Seal
teakiyari (3:22:45 PM): i liked him better in Doc to the Future

[Editor's note: Doc Severinsen is alive and well]

11/24/03
teakiyari (3:26:45 PM): billy ocean is washed up
andylangager2 (3:28:39 PM): not gonna follow up on that one
teakiyari (3:29:06 PM): oh come on, ride the billy ocean wave
teakiyari (3:29:59 PM): would it be ironic if billy ocean died of
dehydration?
andylangager2 (3:30:46 PM): i think so
teakiyari (3:31:03 PM): it would be more ironic perhaps if he died trying to bill the ocean
teakiyari (3:31:17 PM): for some reason
teakiyari (3:32:04 PM): or if he died getting out of someone's dreams and into their car
andylangager2 (3:32:08 PM): or what if he was on his way to a benefit concert for oceans and he got in a car accident. while filling out the insurance papers, he has a heart attack
teakiyari (3:34:13 PM): or if billy ocean died while waving
teakiyari (3:35:05 PM): actually, he is also famous for having very strong muscles on the bottom of the front of his feet. in other words, Billy Ocean has a strong under-toe
andylangager2 (3:38:21 PM): where's a high tide when you need one
teakiyari (3:39:01 PM): billy ocean uses tide on his clothes

 

 

copyright 2003 andy langager