I am serious. And don't call me Suri.
She's been revealed! Like an OT Level III discovering Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy, we gaze upon this child with all our curiosity.
Let's breakdown this magazine cover featuring Suri Cruise.
First of all: the baby toupee. You can't look at that picture and not think of SNL's Baby Toupees skit and laugh. Maybe the hair length is real, but it's either photoshopped darker or they colored the baby's hair. Dumb.
Next... notice how Katie is all but pushed out of frame. Can you possibly minimize her importance in this family any more? Hey Katie, maybe try starring in a few more Hollywood Blockbusters, that might make you a mother worthy of a Vanity Fair cover.
Look at the location of the baby and how Tom is wrapping it up in his coat. This pose clearly suggests he is the "mother" in this family, his jacket as a surrogate womb for the child he can never physically have.
Finally, the baby is the only one looking at the camera. It's all too easy to read in her eyes: Please help me. I don't want to be a Scientologist. Just wait, kid. You will be forced to watch Battlefield Earth.
Posted by alangage at September 6, 2006 03:41 PM
Comments
I find it odd that even though they devote the entire cover to "Tomkatsuri" they still have the red stripe of "A real life murder mystery" by John Grisham in the top right corner. Is it some sort of foreshadowing?
Posted by: lopolis at September 6, 2006 05:00 PM
You are thinking WAY too much about this.
Posted by: Dan at September 8, 2006 09:32 AM
Only someone who's read Dianetics would say that.
Posted by: Andy at September 8, 2006 11:27 PM
You're completely ignoring the news of Paris Hilton's DUI arrest.
Posted by: Dan at September 11, 2006 01:18 PM
And how Brad and Angie are fighting about the kids.
Posted by: Dan at September 11, 2006 03:00 PM
and how Brad won't marry Angie until all people of the world are allowed to marry. take that, world!
Posted by: cody at September 11, 2006 05:08 PM
Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from her husband Bobby Brown, her publicist told The Associated Press on Wednesday.
Posted by: Dan at September 13, 2006 03:43 PM
Gary Weddle, 46 year-old teacher from the great state of Washington, has not shaved his face in five years and will not shave again until Osama bin Laden is caught. Gary Weddle's creeped out students told me that in my dreams.
Posted by: cody at September 13, 2006 06:23 PM
Britney had another baby!
Posted by: Dan at September 13, 2006 07:47 PM
I kinda like this. Can you guys just update the site for me?
Posted by: Andy at September 14, 2006 01:07 PM
Nah. That would be too much like work.
Posted by: Dan at September 14, 2006 05:18 PM
Nancy Grace caused a woman to kill herself!!
Posted by: Dan at September 14, 2006 05:21 PM
George Clooney is demanding the U.N. take proper action in Sudan's Darfur region. He warns that a genocide may result if the U.N. doesn't send troops soon to the region. Clooney also said he has first hand knowledge of what a genocide looks like after visiting his friend Teri Hatcher on the set of Desperate Housewives last year. Zing!
Posted by: cody at September 14, 2006 06:10 PM
I think this clip will clear Nancy Grace of ever being found guilty of anything improper:
Posted by: Andy at September 15, 2006 12:56 PM
George Bush wants to 'clarify' the Geneva Conventions. "Just how much can we hurt 'em," he asked. He also added "heh heh heh."
Posted by: Dan at September 15, 2006 12:57 PM
He jests at scars that never felt a wound. Francisca.
Posted by: Francisca at October 27, 2006 10:19 AM
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